last night ian rolled his eyes at me when i asked a question in the reading group around immigrants and the petit bourgeoisie question.

it really annoyed me that he felt he could do that to me. i asked a question and he was so impatient w it cos he thought i was naturally advocating petit bourgeois politics.

when i think about why i am so anal about myself being recognized as a leader, it is because of moments of this.

i could never imagine ian rolling his eyes at Matt, or at Shemon.

what they said HAD to be worth some salt. it can’t be just bad politics

but with me, even tho i have been tried and tested as a militant, he thinks it is OK to roll his eyes at me and diminish what i say.

this is the same thing i felt w K. i felt he was a way toward me he wasnt to S or M. that he could demean and put me down in a way he wouldnt with the top notch guys.

i am not going to change who i am — i am honest and i dont hide my questions. i know more people than me think the same questions and i am not afriad to ask it, to SHOW that i am struggling. i dont need a veneer of toughness like i am more sturdy, knowledgeable in everything in the world, in my interactions. i am a growing person and i dont hide it.

the price i pay for this, is that some people dont take me seriously.

this is why i will assert myself as a leader. this is why i am fcking thick skin enough to say: I have done this and that, so dont try to downplay who i am and what i do.

s. tries to boil it down to a matter of TRUST. of do i TRUST people to acknowledge certain things. but i havent seen trust pay off. Trusting certain people didnt mean they didnt treat me disrespectfully. If i really trusted them, then i would be hella hurt.

i see what people DO. i base my judgement on that. not some mythical trust.

if i trusted the people around me from the day i was born, then i would be stuck in singapore as a bank teller or office girl.

if i trusted what some mentors in the group had said about me, i would have left the damn group already.

i dont think trust is totally junk. you need it in personal relationships and a basic sense of it in politics. but to base your political career and people’s intentions all on trust. that’s naive.

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