one step at a time

i need to move one step at a time, forward, not backward.

it’s so much easier to want to lie back down and fall asleep to forget

i am going through a hard time these days.

i can’t bear to be around I. cos of the drama that happened between us.

he screamed at me based on his own assumptions on what i was going to say to the person he wants to date.

he didnt bother to clarify anything w me, to ask if it was true, to say xyz. he just went on his own mind and own thoughts.

i am also upset w ek. i feel like she has just been an inconsistent person all along…i think its just becoming clearer to me.

she is so attached to I. that in the end she takes his side often, seeing the world thru a lens that justify him.

i am sad that i thought we could have a friendship but i feel like i keep doing all the work.

i feel sad for her, i care for her, but i dont think i really can be friends with her for a while.

i hope she grows stronger and more consistent with herself, rather than seeing herself as a pendulum swinging and taking extreme sides at one point or the other

i need to survive this stuff and the only way to do it is through moving forward, doing what i need to do as a woman leader — dont let this drama take me away from what i need to do.

rather than have this swirl of emotions constantly tumbling in me, i think in a few words, this is what it is

- i understand why he would be upset about me wanting to talk w K. but it could have been talked out w me. I was not hurrying. Both E and I could have done that. but no, they didnt. instead they make it seem like me wanting to talk w K at all was an insult to them.

I can’t help but say that their relationship has really given us very bad organizational dynamics. I can’t lie about this. I want to talk w K about it, regardless!! I dont have the power to stop 2 people from being attracted to each other, so why that fear?!?!?

- i am upset w I for flaring up at me and triggering my memories of violent male rage that is also unpredictable. i structure my life to not have to deal w this as a survivor. but this group is not safe, and i need recognition of that. why is it that I., my political comrade in an anti-patriarchal group, has the right to make me feel this way???

- why are people afraid to talk about the GENDERED IMPACTS of their actions? why are we more comfortable talking about the RACIAL IMPACTS of our actions? i get defensiveness most often with gender but w race there is more patience, more of an understanding

- i am upset w ek for always centering I’s experiences and nobody elses. i only ask for her to think about me as a normal human being. and she doesnt cos she is so intertwined in her world w I.

- things need to change. for fucking real.

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