how do i accept that this is where i am at, now

i have had a very emotionally challenging month. i feel i am sinking into depression again.

the ian-ek drama has been so exhausting emotionally. it’s been very difficult for me to move forward with a clear mind.

add to that, the drama happening at work. i feel the speed-up to be very violent toward me. i am forcing my body to work against time; treating my body like a machine. and i am so angry that emily, the nurse at work, yelled at me the way she did. like i was a little child, like i was a goddamn worker, like i was a lazy piece of shit.

i feel like if ian-ek drama had drained me 60% of the way, the work stuff has drained me through 100% of the way. i can’t be sitting around absorbing violence all around me and not do anything.

i feel spent and i am letting this emotion just take over my body.

today i had to sleep all day. i am trying to again, reproduce myself for the day when i get back to work. this feels so redundant.

i am trying to not internalize all this. what’s fucked up isnt me. i am a soldier in this world thats dropping attacks on me everyday. my deepest internal resistance is to not let this stuff get into my head. is to stand tall and not believe what i am worth through their eyes.

then this spate of queer suicides and violence, the war, the DV outside of our house. it feels really immense.

i need to know what i need to do and keep doing my tasks and keep looking forward. looking forward and not turn back.

look forward, not turn back.

i know this feeling is hard to be with. i feel sad one day, immobilized. and at my back of my mind i have the voice that keeps telling me to move forward and not give up.

i can’t blame myself. if more than ever, i need to love myself. and love is patience, love is courage to deal with reality and honesty.

i am worried i will sink into depression again. sleep is my first coping mechanism, then i let the thoughts take over. i have to deal w this tension in myself. to know i am going into the pit and to wanna get out of it

i need the spaces for me to skip the quicksand.

how do i accept that this is where i am, now, and not blame myself, or be disappointed in myself.

i need to love myself, not just now, but for a lifetime.