S man’s brother got arraigned today. I havent written about what happened because it is such an intense thing. His bro accidentally shot his gf in her head while they were fiddling w a gun, which they prolly didnt think was loaded…its pretty horrible and sad. she died instantly and now he is being charged w manslaughter…which has a min sentence of 2 years and a max of 17 years…its really unbelievable…i can’t imagine someone my age going to prison for that period of time…it was truly an accident and now i can only pray for the best w him. hope that things will work out and he be safe…i just can’t imagine if he were to be locked up for that time…and as for his gf, i met her briefly when we were packing up in detroit. she helped us load the truck and also came to a farewell bbq that some friends had organized. i remember thinking that she was really beautiful and now a 22 y/o , just freshly graduated from college, gone just like that…my heart kinda feels like its going to leap out of my mouth just thinking about it…

i dont know, just really really sad to think about this. i suppose life has to go on regardless. and maybe there is some divine justice somewhere…

glb BRAINSTORM!

this passage is particularly inspiring:

“At the same time, CLR emphasized the importance of combining practical struggles with continuing exploration of the most profound philosophical questions because reality is constantly changing and we must be wary of becoming stuck in ideas that have come out of past experiences and have lost their usefulness in the struggle to create the future. So over the years I have always kept my ears close to the ground, testing ideas in practice and listening closely to the grass roots for new questions that require new paradigms. As a result, new unforeseen contradictions have challenged rather than discouraged me, and I have never felt burned out…” (46) (italics are my own)

reading pieces from GLB and JB these days to prepare for the talk in November and the study group. Really excited about this talk and also nervous about it. How to do justice to someone like GLB? Her life is so varied, so intense, so adventurous. I will use this blog as a forum for teasing out some of the ideas that I want to convey through the talk.

1) Introduce what kind of unique Asian Am identity GLB is putting forward

2) she does so from the perspective of what is the revolutionary and right thing to do at the moment; she is not plugged into identity politics as much

3) she identified with the black struggle because she is american, knows american landscape, politics, grew up here. she says in her own auto that she couldnt go be with Nkrumah when he proposed: “I declined because I couldn’t imagine myself being politically active in a country where I was totally ignorant of the history, geography and culture” (72)

4) perspective of change and revolutionary ideas; the dialectical process thing…not being fixed on old ideas even when they were progressive at that time

5) do i want to come straight out against identity politics?

6) what vision of being Asian Am is she putting forth

7) what relevance does it have for today?

8) philosophical perspective of GLB — integrating practice and philosophy

9) organizational precedences she set — importance of revolutionary organization

10) Question of Organization; Her personal life; Her philosophical approach — self activity of working people

detroit. aug 25th 2007. 1443h

i am back in d-town. reminded of how much i love this city.

i went to visit my “Albanian cartel” aka the Royal Grill diner where I was a waitress for some time. It was cute, people remembered me as “the waitress who left” and said Hi and all…There is that sense of community (maybe just familiarity?) which was so hard for me to say goodbye to. Saw Djana, Valentino, missed Vince and Mirela cos I went after 3pm which is when they all leave…and it was good. altho as it happens sometimes, Valentino was in a bad mood cos supplies were low. I guess one good thing is that business was good! it was so good to see D again, and in a way I feel like she is my D-town mama or somethin, or at least, good D-town friend:) I saw Alonzo again, even tho just briefly, in the grocery store. “Hey, girl” is all he managed. And from a distance, said some really customary greeting stuff, like “how are you? how long you stayin for?” blahs. I dont know how to describe this, and it brings me back to the first post on this blog, but Alonzo, Djana, Valentino, the whole Warren complex, represent something for me in these young years of my life — there are many possibilities in my life that I can live to the fullest. I’m not worried about keeping in touch a Djana, but with Alonzo, he will leave my life as quickly as he entered and I wont see him ever again possibly. But I will remember that once ago a time there was a grocery boy from South Carolina in Detroit whom I crossed paths with and thought was cute…haha:)

Then of course there is the Zen Center, my other home in D-town. It was so nice to see Sunim, to see Myungju, Hasuun, Jinju…and I really look forward to meditating with them again tomorrow. I like Ham-town, I like Detroit. I really do. I like the intensity, the seriousness of this Zen Center, the concreteness of life, the motivating sense of innovation, of new ideas that Myungju and Jinju are always cooking up. I hung out w them today at the Hamtramck Farmer’s Market. This was the first time they were havin it and they had a little stall of organic food. It was all very cute and it just like reminds me that life everywhere is always moving, always changing…is it strange that I feel some sense of hope? some sense of optimism when such small, you could say, apolitical things are happening around? I am looking forward to being in Seattle where I can really stick around and not have to leave cherished spaces so quickly. Anyway.

And then of course there are ARA folks whom I am going to get together with on Monday evening. Right now its hanging w Libbie and Mike and the ever exuberant Lumpi/lampah (Hokkien for a phallus…)

And then of course of course there was Providence which I said goodbye to yesterday. Hung out w Giselle, Marie, Belinda, Gordo, Smitha, Sharon and it was great. I had a strange feeling of nostalgia for P-town. I talked about this earlier I think, that I suppose one thing about Brown, as hard and roller-coastery it was, was that it was a place where I made mistakes and learnt from them…sounds sooo cheesy I know. But its true. I went from a hippie, to a third-worldist, to a revolutionary. My self-conception changed all so drastically in these coupla years and I know its a long way ahead but I feel so much more focus these days than I did when I was an incoming freshman at Brown — w my eyebrow piercing and my let’s be merry and enjoy life kinda attitude:)

3 kinds of sadness

1) when I left Singapore, it was a nostalgia of what was, and being away from what roots me as a person, my history. my physical break from a sense of continuity from my family’s history that revolved around malaysia, spore, china, taiwan. my parents, my childhood, my dogs.

2) when I left Providence, it was a bitter-sweet goodbye. it was like a kind of tonic, with a flavor that changes as I leave it to soak over time. it once nourished me. it once protected me. it once stabbed me w its sharp tastes, but w all its good medicinal properties, it made me stronger to face the world

3) when I leave Detroit this coming Tues, it will be a goodbye to what I could be. A lifestyle, a community that I found which made me feel really holistic. even if transient. i could see myself building a life here. it is concrete. but i am leaving it for other commitments. there are miles to go before i go to sleep, ala robert frost. and this city was a resting place, and i know i will come back to it somehow. * just realized i always have this sense that i will come back to places..i suppose its a good thing, no?

and i leave for seattle. to be w my mamos, to build a political community. i move, like Grace Lee Boggs moved 50 years ago to Detroit, to be where the movement is building. did i already mention that I love GLB? That she is the person I aspire to be? of course, w some tweaks — such as how i wont have a black auto-worker as my Jimmy Boggs — partly cos there isnt any more auto industry to speak of, and partly cos i love Mamos

JM out~!

aug 8th. singapore

am home today, ready to start with my oral history project of my folks. this is my 6th day home. detroit feels distant yet still very vivid. i am thinking about the people there and how my schedule feels (radically) different. i miss the interesting characters that i have gotten to know: valentino, djana, vince, alonzo, etc. i wonder how they are all doing. so for once my yugoslavian experience has come in useful! i am the one chinese yugoslavian that they know. so much of the midwest i remember with fond memories. so hard to leave d-town. so hard to leave the city where Grace Lee Boggs, the League of Revolutionary Black Workers, Mike Ermler, all struggled so hard to build. my memory of Detroit is that it is the symbol of struggle, of struggle with its moments of glory and then also with its setbacks, failures and dreams that were fought for but cannot be realized. I plunged into Detroit and Hamtramck, all ready to adapt, all ready to feel at home after being so alienated within the ivory towers of Brown. happy to find myself a new home, a new community. And for a moment I found it and enjoyed it immensely and for a moment believed that it could be my reality. Believed that I could really jump ship, leave behind my history and enter into this new identity that this new old city has created for me. For a moment I was not who I was but I could be anyone I wanted to be, a new identity for me to play with — a Chinese immigrant, a “Yugoslavian,” a Detroiter, an Asian American, a waitress…no more links to Singapore, to Malaysia, no more identity politics of Brown, no more academic walls…I was building a new Me and I didnt know what I didnt know about myself, my new self. I was given a new name in the Zen Center. I became Ho Jin, boundless truth, a call for me to abandon my old identity, for renewal, rejuvenation, re-creation. A abandonment of my pride, but then also, of my history.

How can this be so exhilarating and yet so irresponsible at the same time?

Spending time w Mamos and the folks from the group brought me back to my reality. There is reality, I have relationships and commitments. I have a home or many homes that I am part of. I hung out with Gordo, Smitha, Giselle and Sharon, memories of days past at Brown. I am a continuation of who I was and I cannot break myself from this thread. Could I imagine Alonzo in Singapore? Could I imagine Papa and Mama in Detroit?

When is a jump-start into a new reality a rejuvenation? When is it a stroke-like paralysis, an escapism that cannot cure, cannot heal but only clots.

Maybe then reality flows in a different direction.

How many brains must I have to live this double, triple, quadruple reality..How am I one person if I can abandon my history and snap. and recreate. and then snap. and recreate…

I am overflowing with so many random thoughts. I am in need of a purge, a brain splat no less.

Sounds familiar. lakunoc.