it is me again in spore.
its been two weeks since i arrived home. time seems to have flown by at times, and at others, it seems to just move so slowly.
family drama aplenty.
i always just feel this heavy draggy feeling when i think about the kind of relationships my folks have with each other. in a way its humbling cos then you realize that human to human relationships are always filled w ambiguity and contradictions even when there is intense love and loyalty, and sacrifice. i feel that w ma pa and nin.
suddenly i thought of jalan and prince, my two handsomes…
i remember when i used to have to take jalan out to botanic gardens when prince was still sleeping so we wouldn’t upset prince…cos prince wasn’t as healthy as jalan to walk the distance back and forth from botanic gardens….and i also remember how prince wouldn’t let us leave the house without him also going. it was just painful emotionally and difficult physically to get out. i dont remember how he would jostle…and also, it was so hard to take both of them down for walks together. i would feel like an octopus with tentacles flying in different directions. jalan would literally PULL me…and prince would literally SIT STILL…and what can i do but carry one to follow the other…so jialat!!
you know, i think i wrote something profound in this blogspace about 2 days ago…and then the connection at the starbucks died and the entire entry got lost. was that annoying?!?!
i dont have anything profound or interesting to say. all of it slipped through my mind when i was on my way home and being too caught up w the drama in this household.
oh, i went to the kwanyin temple today and (*ps: i hear jalan scratching outside) and i got an OK qian1/ draw. It said that i had to be CAREFUL…and proceed SLOWLY into new situations.. there is some kind of a MIRAGE in my life..and I would be trapped by it…
sounds so poetically creepy, as classical chinese often tends to be good at…
lovelovelovelovelovelovelvoelovelvoelvoevleovelo…
pss: also for future reference this is an email to wrote to xiao June and Zhiyong. I dont know, felt the urge to make sense of my life to myself via conversation w other people. i think i might have weirded them out…ah, i am such a strange bastard!!!
do i sound naive?
I just want to follow up with one conversation from yesterday cos its been on my mind. Zhiyong, you asked me why I didn’t want to do social justice work here in Spore. This question has been on my mind a lot since graduation and a point of contention in my relationship w my family. And I think prolly why I feel the need so strongly to explain it has to do w the fact that it is something that I know I will have to constantly rationalize, and explain to myself, given the family relationships and history that I am leaving behind here. It hasnt been easy because this place is still my home in many ways. I would say the main reason is that there is a lot of fear on my end — none of my folks are Sporean and we could get deported anytime if I raise a ruckus. My family members all have different nationalities and in case of deportation its hard to think of where we could all settle. My parents have spent 20 years building a home in Spore. I think my own experience of fear is the same as that which many immigrants I interact with in the US feel about organizing. Alot of Arab Americans that I met in Detroit supported the divestment campaign, but did not step forward to be part of our group for fear of repression, re: deportation, Guantanamo, etc. The second reason is that I dont think it is easy for me to find like-minded political people here. I suppose this is both a personal and a political situation. On the political front, I dont believe in participating in electoral politics. I am driven by a vision of politics where the task of government is taken on by members of the community, not by an elite that oversees their needs. In a way it is a spiritual/personal thing for me too because when people argue, debate and compromise amongst themselves on how to organize their lives, protect their children, oversee their work schedules collaboratively, protect their communities, is when our values like love, justice, solidarity are expressed and in that sense, it is when we are most human. And it is in this vision of humanity that I am working for, knowing that it might not be in my lifetime that this kind of society can be realized but nonetheless is worth fighting for and leaving a legacy for. I know this all sounds kind of cheesy but there is no other way I can express it (and its not my fault that Hollywood simplifies and commodifies every form of human emotion:) ) And part of the reason why I am not staying here is that I think it is very hard to find people who wont say that I am a brainless dumb-ass idiot (and if you think I am, just tell me I can deal w it:) ) for thinking the way I do. In a sense these political parameters are broader in the US, where anarchist traditions are not altogether wiped out. In Spore, Malaysia there was this history too but it has all been erased and we are left with a very narrow vision of politics. Related to this, is also my political and romantic relationship with Matt. I feel like I have found a partner in many senses of the word and I can’t imagine us not doing this work together. I also cannot imagine him being in Spore — he just wont be effective politically, whereas I am already establishing a foothold in the US. For me I have some guilt.sadness about leaving my parents behind and prioritizing my own future and happiness. But then I think in the long term this is the healthiest decision.
Anyway, I hope I am not weirding you guys out by being so wordy and frank and emotional 
. But you are 2 out of 7 people that I am in touch with here, and I hope that at least some of who I am in the present links with my past. And of course, we can agree to disagree like all friends do:)
