detroit. aug 25th 2007. 1443h

i am back in d-town. reminded of how much i love this city.

i went to visit my “Albanian cartel” aka the Royal Grill diner where I was a waitress for some time. It was cute, people remembered me as “the waitress who left” and said Hi and all…There is that sense of community (maybe just familiarity?) which was so hard for me to say goodbye to. Saw Djana, Valentino, missed Vince and Mirela cos I went after 3pm which is when they all leave…and it was good. altho as it happens sometimes, Valentino was in a bad mood cos supplies were low. I guess one good thing is that business was good! it was so good to see D again, and in a way I feel like she is my D-town mama or somethin, or at least, good D-town friend:) I saw Alonzo again, even tho just briefly, in the grocery store. “Hey, girl” is all he managed. And from a distance, said some really customary greeting stuff, like “how are you? how long you stayin for?” blahs. I dont know how to describe this, and it brings me back to the first post on this blog, but Alonzo, Djana, Valentino, the whole Warren complex, represent something for me in these young years of my life — there are many possibilities in my life that I can live to the fullest. I’m not worried about keeping in touch a Djana, but with Alonzo, he will leave my life as quickly as he entered and I wont see him ever again possibly. But I will remember that once ago a time there was a grocery boy from South Carolina in Detroit whom I crossed paths with and thought was cute…haha:)

Then of course there is the Zen Center, my other home in D-town. It was so nice to see Sunim, to see Myungju, Hasuun, Jinju…and I really look forward to meditating with them again tomorrow. I like Ham-town, I like Detroit. I really do. I like the intensity, the seriousness of this Zen Center, the concreteness of life, the motivating sense of innovation, of new ideas that Myungju and Jinju are always cooking up. I hung out w them today at the Hamtramck Farmer’s Market. This was the first time they were havin it and they had a little stall of organic food. It was all very cute and it just like reminds me that life everywhere is always moving, always changing…is it strange that I feel some sense of hope? some sense of optimism when such small, you could say, apolitical things are happening around? I am looking forward to being in Seattle where I can really stick around and not have to leave cherished spaces so quickly. Anyway.

And then of course there are ARA folks whom I am going to get together with on Monday evening. Right now its hanging w Libbie and Mike and the ever exuberant Lumpi/lampah (Hokkien for a phallus…)

And then of course of course there was Providence which I said goodbye to yesterday. Hung out w Giselle, Marie, Belinda, Gordo, Smitha, Sharon and it was great. I had a strange feeling of nostalgia for P-town. I talked about this earlier I think, that I suppose one thing about Brown, as hard and roller-coastery it was, was that it was a place where I made mistakes and learnt from them…sounds sooo cheesy I know. But its true. I went from a hippie, to a third-worldist, to a revolutionary. My self-conception changed all so drastically in these coupla years and I know its a long way ahead but I feel so much more focus these days than I did when I was an incoming freshman at Brown — w my eyebrow piercing and my let’s be merry and enjoy life kinda attitude:)

3 kinds of sadness

1) when I left Singapore, it was a nostalgia of what was, and being away from what roots me as a person, my history. my physical break from a sense of continuity from my family’s history that revolved around malaysia, spore, china, taiwan. my parents, my childhood, my dogs.

2) when I left Providence, it was a bitter-sweet goodbye. it was like a kind of tonic, with a flavor that changes as I leave it to soak over time. it once nourished me. it once protected me. it once stabbed me w its sharp tastes, but w all its good medicinal properties, it made me stronger to face the world

3) when I leave Detroit this coming Tues, it will be a goodbye to what I could be. A lifestyle, a community that I found which made me feel really holistic. even if transient. i could see myself building a life here. it is concrete. but i am leaving it for other commitments. there are miles to go before i go to sleep, ala robert frost. and this city was a resting place, and i know i will come back to it somehow. * just realized i always have this sense that i will come back to places..i suppose its a good thing, no?

and i leave for seattle. to be w my mamos, to build a political community. i move, like Grace Lee Boggs moved 50 years ago to Detroit, to be where the movement is building. did i already mention that I love GLB? That she is the person I aspire to be? of course, w some tweaks — such as how i wont have a black auto-worker as my Jimmy Boggs — partly cos there isnt any more auto industry to speak of, and partly cos i love Mamos

JM out~!

aug 14. singapore again

it is me again in spore.

its been two weeks since i arrived home. time seems to have flown by at times, and at others, it seems to just move so slowly.

family drama aplenty.

i always just feel this heavy draggy feeling when i think about the kind of relationships my folks have with each other. in a way its humbling cos then you realize that human to human relationships are always filled w ambiguity and contradictions even when there is intense love and loyalty, and sacrifice. i feel that w ma pa and nin.

suddenly i thought of jalan and prince, my two handsomes…

i remember when i used to have to take jalan out to botanic gardens when prince was still sleeping so we wouldn’t upset prince…cos prince wasn’t as healthy as jalan to walk the distance back and forth from botanic gardens….and i also remember how prince wouldn’t let us leave the house without him also going. it was just painful emotionally and difficult physically to get out. i dont remember how he would jostle…and also, it was so hard to take both of them down for walks together. i would feel like an octopus with tentacles flying in different directions. jalan would literally PULL me…and prince would literally SIT STILL…and what can i do but carry one to follow the other…so jialat!!

you know, i think i wrote something profound in this blogspace about 2 days ago…and then the connection at the starbucks died and the entire entry got lost. was that annoying?!?!

i dont have anything profound or interesting to say. all of it slipped through my mind when i was on my way home and being too caught up w the drama in this household.

oh, i went to the kwanyin temple today and (*ps: i hear jalan scratching outside) and i got an OK qian1/ draw. It said that i had to be CAREFUL…and proceed SLOWLY into new situations.. there is some kind of a MIRAGE in my life..and I would be trapped by it…

sounds so poetically creepy, as classical chinese often tends to be good at…

lovelovelovelovelovelovelvoelovelvoelvoevleovelo…

pss: also for future reference this is an email to wrote to xiao June and Zhiyong. I dont know, felt the urge to make sense of my life to myself via conversation w other people. i think i might have weirded them out…ah, i am such a strange bastard!!!

do i sound naive?

I just want to follow up with one conversation from yesterday cos its been on my mind. Zhiyong, you asked me why I didn’t want to do social justice work here in Spore. This question has been on my mind a lot since graduation and a point of contention in my relationship w my family. And I think prolly why I feel the need so strongly to explain it has to do w the fact that it is something that I know I will have to constantly rationalize, and explain to myself, given the family relationships and history that I am leaving behind here. It hasnt been easy because this place is still my home in many ways. I would say the main reason is that there is a lot of fear on my end — none of my folks are Sporean and we could get deported anytime if I raise a ruckus. My family members all have different nationalities and in case of deportation its hard to think of where we could all settle. My parents have spent 20 years building a home in Spore. I think my own experience of fear is the same as that which many immigrants I interact with in the US feel about organizing. Alot of Arab Americans that I met in Detroit supported the divestment campaign, but did not step forward to be part of our group for fear of repression, re: deportation, Guantanamo, etc. The second reason is that I dont think it is easy for me to find like-minded political people here. I suppose this is both a personal and a political situation. On the political front, I dont believe in participating in electoral politics. I am driven by a vision of politics where the task of government is taken on by members of the community, not by an elite that oversees their needs. In a way it is a spiritual/personal thing for me too because when people argue, debate and compromise amongst themselves on how to organize their lives, protect their children, oversee their work schedules collaboratively, protect their communities, is when our values like love, justice, solidarity are expressed and in that sense, it is when we are most human. And it is in this vision of humanity that I am working for, knowing that it might not be in my lifetime that this kind of society can be realized but nonetheless is worth fighting for and leaving a legacy for. I know this all sounds kind of cheesy but there is no other way I can express it (and its not my fault that Hollywood simplifies and commodifies every form of human emotion:) ) And part of the reason why I am not staying here is that I think it is very hard to find people who wont say that I am a brainless dumb-ass idiot (and if you think I am, just tell me I can deal w it:) ) for thinking the way I do. In a sense these political parameters are broader in the US, where anarchist traditions are not altogether wiped out. In Spore, Malaysia there was this history too but it has all been erased and we are left with a very narrow vision of politics. Related to this, is also my political and romantic relationship with Matt. I feel like I have found a partner in many senses of the word and I can’t imagine us not doing this work together. I also cannot imagine him being in Spore — he just wont be effective politically, whereas I am already establishing a foothold in the US. For me I have some guilt.sadness about leaving my parents behind and prioritizing my own future and happiness. But then I think in the long term this is the healthiest decision.
Anyway, I hope I am not weirding you guys out by being so wordy and frank and emotional . But you are 2 out of 7 people that I am in touch with here, and I hope that at least some of who I am in the present links with my past. And of course, we can agree to disagree like all friends do:)

aug 8th. singapore

am home today, ready to start with my oral history project of my folks. this is my 6th day home. detroit feels distant yet still very vivid. i am thinking about the people there and how my schedule feels (radically) different. i miss the interesting characters that i have gotten to know: valentino, djana, vince, alonzo, etc. i wonder how they are all doing. so for once my yugoslavian experience has come in useful! i am the one chinese yugoslavian that they know. so much of the midwest i remember with fond memories. so hard to leave d-town. so hard to leave the city where Grace Lee Boggs, the League of Revolutionary Black Workers, Mike Ermler, all struggled so hard to build. my memory of Detroit is that it is the symbol of struggle, of struggle with its moments of glory and then also with its setbacks, failures and dreams that were fought for but cannot be realized. I plunged into Detroit and Hamtramck, all ready to adapt, all ready to feel at home after being so alienated within the ivory towers of Brown. happy to find myself a new home, a new community. And for a moment I found it and enjoyed it immensely and for a moment believed that it could be my reality. Believed that I could really jump ship, leave behind my history and enter into this new identity that this new old city has created for me. For a moment I was not who I was but I could be anyone I wanted to be, a new identity for me to play with — a Chinese immigrant, a “Yugoslavian,” a Detroiter, an Asian American, a waitress…no more links to Singapore, to Malaysia, no more identity politics of Brown, no more academic walls…I was building a new Me and I didnt know what I didnt know about myself, my new self. I was given a new name in the Zen Center. I became Ho Jin, boundless truth, a call for me to abandon my old identity, for renewal, rejuvenation, re-creation. A abandonment of my pride, but then also, of my history.

How can this be so exhilarating and yet so irresponsible at the same time?

Spending time w Mamos and the folks from the group brought me back to my reality. There is reality, I have relationships and commitments. I have a home or many homes that I am part of. I hung out with Gordo, Smitha, Giselle and Sharon, memories of days past at Brown. I am a continuation of who I was and I cannot break myself from this thread. Could I imagine Alonzo in Singapore? Could I imagine Papa and Mama in Detroit?

When is a jump-start into a new reality a rejuvenation? When is it a stroke-like paralysis, an escapism that cannot cure, cannot heal but only clots.

Maybe then reality flows in a different direction.

How many brains must I have to live this double, triple, quadruple reality..How am I one person if I can abandon my history and snap. and recreate. and then snap. and recreate…

I am overflowing with so many random thoughts. I am in need of a purge, a brain splat no less.

Sounds familiar. lakunoc.