Archives for the month of: March, 2012

i came here to seek inspiration and some quiet.

thankful for the generosity and kindness shown to me by these friends of my dad. they fed me, housed me and cared for me.

i wish to reciprocate this to them, and to many people who need warm places.

i came to seek inspiration and i found some warmth.

Trust in love, and what you love, and it will take you places.

This past year, I have learned a lot about love. About love that is not sentimental, that is not affectionate, but that is tough, tender, and straight forward. Strangely enough, this deeper understanding of love comes at a time when I have lost love.

The experiences of the past year still sting my heart. They flood into my mind at the easiest, simplest opportunity. “Oh, how did I get through this week without thinking about you?” I catch myself asking. But where once the memories dragged along heavy burdens of guilt, shame, pain, anger, and a strong desire to prove those judgements wrong, a back and forth exchange in my mind, these days, these memories come with a question mark, and an honest response, “I don’t know, but I’m trying.”

I have lost love, because what I thought was love before was simply affection and a desire for community. An abstract, incomplete desire that was more about what was lacking than what was present; That was more about fulfilling one’s need thanĀ  it was about appreciating and understanding the other people. No, selfish isn’t the right word to describe this desire. Too often, we are told we are selfish for expressing our needs, for desiring more than what the pathetic world gives us. Instead of selfishness, it was more a sense of an incomplete love, one that could not see past the immediate, a stunted love that was restricted by time, a short-term love that couldnt see beyond its boundaries, couldnt extend beyond the present, couldnt reach beyond the ebbs and flows of our unpredictable, angry, sad selves. It was a conditional kind of love.

I dont know what an unconditional all-encompassing love is like. Neither am I seeking to define it. Yet, its colors become more vibrant — how the greys blend into the reds, how the flashy yellows merge into the mellowed orange, the black glitter that splashes on the calm blue…The many layers of love, less sentimental, less affectionate, but a little more far reaching…

I have wondered recently, why am I such an anxious person? How do I explain this aspect of who I am to myself? It has caused me stresses and pains. I want to take steps toward changing this.

My anxiety cannot be separated from the time frame by which I see my life. Short term, urgent, fear of the loss of friendships, fear of the disappearance of community; These are fears. These are fears that have floated inside of my body, trapped in the muscle cells, knotting up my blood vessels — this is fear and I have given it some expression in physical form with my breakdowns, with my anxiety attacks, with my loss of self control.

Fear.

It is hard to admit that fear has guided a big chunk of my life. This fear didnt start recently. I started with the trauma of poverty, of migration. It started with the trauma of my family and it didnt end there.

So I carry fear into love; the love lost kind of love. Short term, anxious, needing to know what’s next kind of love. Love that isnt far reaching, isnt spread out, that isn’t brave.