Archives for the month of: January, 2013

its another school year. and me, i am so uninspired to study. somehow i think my brains got fried last quarter with the haphazardness and stress of those few months. as stressful as it was, i really enjoyed my clinical group last quarter. i liked the people, the conversations, enjoyed the challenges, the hospital and the patients. I really felt that I challenged and pushed myself to grow. I was also inspired. Amid the scattering of the other communities, I found some refuge and solace among my classmates, when I didnt expect it. I miss that sense of inspired growth. I also felt more connected with other parts of my life, with family and friends outside of this country.

This quarter feels like a drab compared to that. I am more overwhelmed with stress and anxiety about job searches. In fact, it’s sorta clouding my mind. Filled with a sense of unaccomplishment for not having pursued a nurse tech job enough, or a hospital work experience sufficiently. Is this part of the turning-30 blues? I suddenly feel like I havent done enough to be 30 by now. Usually I get over this. But somehow these first days of January, it feels particularly depressing.

How to reinspire myself? Writing is part of it. I have been upset with myself for not writing enough. Upset with myself for slacking on what I know is what keeps me going. Well, I want to do more consistent with this. Take advice from friends, and get those brain cells working. I have many ideas everyday — I do think quite a bit!! – but putting them down on paper/typing them up, feels like a commitment to hold on to those ideas, and therefore to make them make more sense, to revise them. And I am not ready for that level of commitment!!!!

Can I also just add that I am not terribly excited about my instructor for school? She really irritates me. I know I have to get over it. Do the best I can.

Some Things I Want To Do These Next Few Months So I Wont Drive Myself Crazy With Unnecessary Stress And Anxiety

–> Fall into a job search routine.

I need to realize that I really can’t keep stressing about jobs. I will have a routine for job searches and stick to it. Once every 2 weeks, spend 1-2 hours looking up jobs and sending off my resume. Create a check list for places I am applying to and JUST DO IT! And pray that I get a job.

–> Surgery

Same thing. I can’t really stress about this anymore. I am recognizing that I have a lot of anxiety around this procedure. And the lack of space to discuss this procedure is causing my anxiety to be channelled toward job anxiety and schedule anxiety. I don’t want to belittle the procedure, but it is not something I really can control at this point in time. 

–> Spending lots of time back home to recover from this procedure

I have to make a decision. Right now, the tentative decision is that if I don’t find a job by Oct , I will head home for the surgery. I will spend a minimum amount of time back home (it might be 1 month to 1 1/2 months). This will include time for my own recovery as well as the other party’s. In the best case scenario I will have a job that I can ask for leave from. In the worst case scenario, I will resume job search when I get back. It will be before Dec 2013 so it’s not that distant from my graduation. This is the schedule that a lot of people are on, actually. 

Regardless, this is not something I can stress about right now. There is a certain level of acceptance I need to have, a certain level of courage to face the uncertainty, and a certain level of strength and flexibility to deal with transitions. This last part, I admittedly am NOT GOOD AT. So. 

–> Meditation. Breathing. Walks

I need to take walks. I need to meditate and I need to go back to doing yoga again. These have helped me with stress relief before and I think I need it now more than ever. These also shaped my sense of balance, made me feel healthy and motivated.

–> Clinical

I foresee a lot of biting my tongue moments with my instructor. I feel anxious and nervous. I just need to stay away from her where possible. I also want to DO MY BEST with the careplans and the patients. I guess part of me is really burnt out on careplans and putting in a lot of effort in them, but I need to also just steady myself and be prepared. Just try my best. Be a good nurse. Be motivated. Be inspired.

–> School

Super uninspired. A lot to study. Makes me wanna shut down. But, I know myself. What I need is consistency. I need to read the textbook, review and do NCLEX questions. I plan to do the Kaplan stuff. Do ATI review as much as I can. That’s it right? What more? In the meantime, also to review stuff from other quarters. It IS manageable. I AM a good student. I CAN do it. I just have to be consistent.

Study groups are really really good for me.

–> Relationships

It’s not about drama or not drama. Its about being able to cope with them. Being able to have boundaries. Knowing who the good peeps are in my life. Those I can count on. One thing that’s really important for me: DECATASTROPHIZE. Don’t be attached to what people say about me. Just do what I do with integrity, humility, dignity and effort. Always try. Don’t give up. 

Remember my roots. I was never meant to be political, never meant to be smart, never meant to be intelligent. Everything and everyone around me told me I was stupid but I was able to always try my best. Learn from mistakes. Able to apologize when I was wrong. This is tender, this is deep, and this is resilience that can keep me alive for a long time. 

So, keep connections and relationships alive. Put work in them but don’t let them burn me out. BOUNDARIES. Think as I feel as well. Not be overwhelmed with emotions.

Move forward, please. Gently, be aware of my surroundings, but keep on movin’

–> Better relationship to computer and technology

in other words: Dont be addicted

–> Call home

My parents do wonders for me. I care for them and they are part of who I am and what makes my life meaningful.

–> Write. Value my thoughts.

Yes, all that thinking about trauma, perpetuation of trauma, suffering, buddhism. Someday that will be a piece. Someday it will kick in as very valuable knowledge that I tossed around in my mind that will save me from despair, depression and all those nasties.

–> Appreciate people I love.

Obviously. But seriously, make time to do this

More, more, more. Always more.

AM I INSPIRED ALREADY? 

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in my 2 month long stay with my family, devoid of friends and broader community, i felt i lost my coping mechanism. i felt i didnt know how to navigate the confusion and emptiness that overwhelmed me. i didnt know how to relate to people in other parts of my mind.

i regained it gradually when i returned back to this place i call home. and now, i wanna know what it is, lest i forget again, and be thrown into transitions that leave me feeling trampled.

creating some words of beauty, out of moments of suffering, have been crucial for taking me out of my mind space.

writing is a process of gathering, of threading narratives between events that may, as we first encounter them, seem distinct, separate, distinguishable. but the emotions that they conjure, from one encounter to the next, are a sequence. they connect, they link and sometimes, they combine in that sinking feeling, or that empty sadness, or that nostalgic loss, or that weight that hangs my spirit.

so writing, the mixing of sensation and the evocation of feelings, the semblance of a journey, intentioned, sensible, by the mere fact that an image is conjured, one after another, to the reader, by me, intentionally. it is a patchwork design i can create out of this everyday suffering.

my suffering is not dramatic. i have decided to stop using the term “drama” to describe my feelings, or the difficult interactions I have with people around me. It washes out the meaning, it is too imprecise, and it makes my emotions feel wasteful, excessive, senseless.

but emotions are not senseless. they are not irrational. they can be unreasonable, but they are not irrational. there is a cause, and there is effect. and tho the cause may be distant, invisible to my eyes, unknown to me, and the effect of those distant causes so stark in my face, so jarring and occasionally, so painful and so heavy, it still nonetheless comes from somewhere.

and today, i am faced with them. in my existence in this world, i face another’s suffering as they face mine. we don’t know where the cause came from. in moments of deep awareness, we discover the causes, and we trace it to the daily effects these causes lead us to. but other times, it is unknown to us, and we dont ask, we dont seek. we simply face each other, superificially. as phenomenons, without a history, without a story, without cause.

and so that is suffering. it is our daily perpetuation of these shallow interactions that perceive only phenomena, not cause, not effect. it is much easier this way. we hide when we tire of phenomena, until we realize that when we treat others as phenomena without cause, without effect, we too, become unable to seek deeper into our own causes and effects. we too, lose our own storylines.

and it is with great compassion that great suffering can be seen. compassion is not politically correct, not liberal, not niceness. compassion is an honesty and a willingness to address, to confront if necessary, to dig, deeper. to seek narratives in others, not mere phenomena, not mere vignettes…