On Quinnault Lake, with thanks and clarity.

It is as if the clearness of the lake water, the vast expanse of the night sky glaring into the milky way, into galaxies beyond my comprehension, beg for honesty as reciprocity. My transparency with myself, unanchored by the nagging needs of emotional gratification, or selfish delusions, merely a decent exchange for making a spectacle out of the intimate inner workings of separate galactical bodies and biospheres. And I offer my humble thankfulness. Not my interview-style “I appreciate..” jargon. But a deeper level of gratitude, where the edges of my distinguished, distinct self, melt away a little, into a unity with the intentions of this vast universe.

Ironically, with that expansion, I feel again, anger; again, resentment; again, determination — some things have happened, to me, that have distanced me from my ability to feel a joy at gratitude; why? where and when did I lose it?

When I looked into the night sky scattered with stars last night, I realized that the names that have marked my pain, my turning in, my turning away, can dissolve into this. Because in this magnitude, I cannot let you seize my attentions, my emotions, my life forces. You suck them too hard, too long, and leave me dry, empty, crusty, unable to light a feeling beyond a mere spark. that washes out as blendly as it came.

here we are

where are the roses?

i worked my ass off the past 2 years. i passed my boards with a lot of hard work and focus. i thought i could enjoy this all when i was done but here i am, a ball of stress and nerves. jumping from stressing about one thing to the next.

i am struggling to find myself again.  i didn’t think it would apply to me, but i think in the last few months of nursing school, i did lose myself. i lost what drove me as a person, as a feeling emotional thinking person. it wasn’t just nursing school. it was also the drama and tribulations from the world/scene i was a part of. and now, i just want to shrug it all off. leave that world behind.

but because my self has been so intertwined in that world, i dont know how much of ME too, i am shrugging off. leaving me a husk of my former self.

so transformation is change, abrupt new change, shedding. i shedded. but i put on a new outfit that reflects concerns i barely care or give or shit about deep down. that needs shedding too.