growing up, my father warned me against emptiness. emptiness, he says, is for the weak, the lonely, the spiritually diminished. strength is for those who are able to feel fully, unempty, undepressed, happy, joyous. so with emptiness, i feel guilt. guilt for knowing this could happen but not having done enough to avert it.

how can i avert this emptiness, when it is brought about by the false dreams and wishes of this society. dreams that i buy into too. for seemingly good reasons.

i feel guilty i am unable to support my parents. we say 离乡背井 to go find a life outside of home. to bring back to home what we have gathered. but i failed.

the realization that the number of people i feel inferior around, has grown, and perhaps will continue to grow.

i don’t want to feel inferior. to feel ashamed of me. but i do.

ugly, broke, trying too hard for something almost unachievable — my hard work so apparent to everyone, as is my failure to attain despite that hard work — do you know how vulnerable this makes me feel? to those who don’t deserve it? to those who will stomp on it and make fun of it? who will make gossip out of my earnesty? i am stupid. i am lazy. i am unfillial. i am lousy.

this emptiness has been building up increasingly  all through my nursing school. it didn’t happen right now. this emptiness was a “fight or flight” phenomenon during school — i was motivated only by the extreme fear of being kicked out. i lacked more motivation and desire.

now i seek motivation and desire in a new job — a new challenge. and i am refused that too

i am sad. but at least today i can write to articulate these feelings. so they aren’t jammed in my heart.

i hope i have this motivation tomorrow. writing brings me into life.