it’s thirty wonderful for me this year.

a few changes. i felt isolated, sad and lonely the last days of 2013. not being with my family — they had a reunion back home and would regularly call to check in with me — and M being away to go home for 2 weeks — all that was really hard. i felt pity for myself. i felt that people around felt pity for me. i hate that feeling. my response was to shut down and isolate into my own world — unproductive, addictive tv watching world. self pity is a gross feeling.

but there was also some fun. we went to a nice cabin for a few days.   took my mind away from myself.

and i’m back. in between figuring myself out, intellectual stimulation, and addictive tv watching — i am back.

so i will start by listing out some things i am proud of:

  • nursing: i passed nursing school, the NCLEX and i found a job
  • i learned how important it is to block out people’s cynicism and ridicule and more importantly, to respect my own efforts — being the one to work hard in front of everyone can be very vulnerable and shame inducing. but there is great strength in it
  • i came to terms with the idea that i am lonely and have emptiness in my life.
  • i came to terms with the idea that i have only a few people in my life who truly love me and vice versa. whom i can count on as family.
  • i came to terms with the idea that there is no longetivity in community — political or social or otherwise — it’s a group of people who come together to do something for a while. and sometimes they leave, sometimes they stay, but they always transform and transition.
  • i am coming to terms with not having to be the nice person, aka a pushover and also it’s polar opposite: the angry militant person.

maybe there should be more to this list.

right now, i feel more intensely that i need to be the most that i can be. rather than always be waiting for someone else to collaborate. for good and for bad, i know that i have it in me to be a workaholic. i can work very hard. but there are people around me who are not like this. i dont have to wait for them.