i am home without my family.

worried about their health. my mother’s physical health, my father’s mental.

we all going mental. scratching and clawing at one another as my mother’s breath weakens, oxygen fighting to make it through dampened airways. weak heart, fluid filled lungs. it is a battle to speak.

vocal cords shape, reshape, concoct shapes. oxygen trapped in water bubbles unable to make their way through. the heart pumps, unable to resist the pressures of water logged lungs.

i am yearning to speak to my mother. ax oceans, ax pain, ax resentment, to reach to that place called love. a motherly love i have always found hard to access.

amid soap opera style arguments, cacophonies of shattering glass and screams. i can’t hear you mother. often i can’t hear you. and neither could you.

here i am at home sucking into myself. world diminished. anxiety rising. there’s a fire pit in my belly. blame goes around.

because i haven’t been home, i don’t deserve to know?

because i am choosing a better life for myself, i don’t deserve to feel anger right now?

my father’s stubbornness. yearning for a life he hadn’t lived. compensating for time lost in youth. it’s the capitalist dream. a 70 he still wants to make it big. so big that it’s blown his brain blood vessels trying to cramp life into the last 20. or so years he thinks he has.

success is so elusive

success is so imposed

success is such a figment of our imagination

and here i sit i am wondering why i am such a failure in their eyes.

i have failed to work for an investment bank. i have failed to be a doctor. i have failed to be a professor. i have failed to bring in the big bucks

so no matter what passion and creativity drives me. i am in their eyes, a failure and this is a heavy burden to bear. so heavy that i cannot ask questions now. so heavy that when they say they are broke and i could have made a difference if i didn’t so treasure my life, i have only silence and anger and rage to retreat to

home home home you are so brutal.